April 8, 2002
Well, everyone seems to be weighing in on how to make these maniacs stop killing each other, so I guess I might as well too.
First, here are what I'm pretty sure are the facts.
- Israel was created by a UN resolution after World War II. This country did not include the Gaza Strip or the West Bank.
- At its thinnest point, Israel was less than 10 miles wide, making it easy for an enemy to literally cut the nation in two.
- There is another UN resolution that allows for refugees to return to their home when displaced by a war.
- Israel has control of the "Occupied Territories" after capturing them (and the Golan Heights, which they later gave back) in various Arab-started wars.
So we have a problem of two conflicting ideals (not even getting into religion). On the one hand, Israel must be able to defend itself in what is an undeniably hostile area. On the other hand, not every Palestinian is a suicide bomber or other form of terrorist, and they really do deserve better than to live under Ariel Sharon's thumb.
And this leads to my plan, which I call GFW. Giant Fucking Wall. I'm talking a wall 100 feet high and 20 feet thick, with no openings. Calculate the total square mileage of the West Bank and make Palestine have that area, but not necessarily the shape. Israel needs another 30 miles to make itself defendable? Then Palestine extends farther south to compensate. And there's a Giant Fucking Wall between Israel and Palestine that nobody can get through.
Now, that leaves only one problem: Jerusalem. Both Israel and the Palestinian Authority claim an undivided Jerusalem as their capital. Well, neither one of 'em deserves it. Extend the wall around both sides of the city, completely enclosing it. There will be a four-lane gate at both the Israeli and Palestinian sides to allow people in and out. No weapons will be allowed; anyone attempting to enter the city with anything larger than a pocketknife will be imprisoned for five years with no chance of parole. NATO will run the jail and each country will maintain its own gate in conjunction with NATO (to make sure the Palestinian guards don't let a Palestinian carry in a gun, hand grenade, mortar, SCUD missle, etc.).
Now, here's where it starts to get weird. This new Palestine (which would probably have its capital in Ramallah) will need some serious rebuilding. Per capita, I think it's more heavily damaged then Germany after WWII. There's only one economy in the area that isn't being looted by an illigitimate leader -- Israel's. Let Israel team up with the US to create a new version of the Marshall Plan. Put Sharon on Al-Jazeera saying that with Israel's border secure, Israel will give her neighbors the help they so desperately need. Let Yasser Araffat, Mubarak, Abdullah and Saddam wrap their brains around that shit.
If history is any indicator they'll be able to rip the wall down sometime in the mid-2040s. Just enough time for two generations to grow up without their friends getting wiped out on the way to school and wonder what the hell their grandparents are so pissed off about.
Sounds silly, doesn't it? But it makes at least as much sense as any of the official recommendations. And that's the really sad part.
