May 23, 2002
A couple weeks ago I saw an old episode of Next Generation called "Tapestry." In summary, Picard is shot at close range, and his mechanical heart goes wacky, causing him to die. The superbeing "Q" allows him to go back and make sure his need for the artifical heart never happens. Picard makes the change, then warps back to the present day... to find he never made it past Lieutenant, JG, and basically floats from assignment to assignment with no sense of purpose. He decides to change things back, even though he might die: "I would rather die as the man I was than live the life I just saw."
Now, what the hell does this have to do with me? I'm getting there.
Given that I've been unemployed for a while, and am having a little trouble finding work (not entirely my fault; one of the places I interviewed at hasn't finished the first round of interviews) I've been abnormally introspective. Looking back at decisions I made, in reverse order: Mouthing off to my second-level-up boss and getting fired, not looking for a new job sooner, deciding to work in Web development, leaving NROTC, changing my major from Physics to History, joining the fraternity, deciding to go to Carnegie Mellon. But what if I'd made different decisions?
If I were still at the job, I probably would've been fired by now anyway, and I'd probably have a hole in my stomache as well. If I'd gotten another job, I might have found a place that wasn't as willing to let me learn by doing, and I'd be worth less money right now. And what would I have done if I hadn't gotten into the Web? I don't know either, but I doubt I'd enjoy it. I might have been able to stay in ROTC, but would I have enjoyed eight years of life in the Navy? I'm not sure. Not changing my major probably would have led to me failing out, so I'll skip that. If I'd passed on joining the fraternity I might have had better grades, but I doubt I would have had many friends, either. And who knows what the hell would have happened if I'd gone to Ohio State instead of CMU.
"There were loose ends in my life that I wasn't happy with. But when I tried to pull them out, the tapestry of my life came undone." Hey, Picard has good writers -- they said it more poetically than I could have. Basically these experiences, no matter how much I think they suck, have made me the person that I am. And I like me, so I guess I'll take them.
Besides, the first thing they teach you in history is not to play games of what-if. There are too many variables to predict. Just deal with what happened, it'll be plenty. Those history professors are a lot more intelligent than people give them credit for.
