June 20, 2002
Man, it's a good thing I've got Headline News on during the day. Otherwise I'd never be able to keep this daily-update thing running. Today's entry from the Stupidity Files: Fat people and airline seats.
Southwest Airlines, which has no business- or first-class seats in its planes, has told its managers to start enforcing a rule that charges people for two seats if they can't cram themselves into one. Obviously, the nation's super-fat-asses are up in arms about this. It's discriminatory, or some such ridiculousness.
Here's how it works, people: There are X chairs in an airplane. The airline therefore sells X tickets. (Well, they actually will sell X plus a bit and hope that some people don't show up, but that's beside the point.) If you can't wedge your gargantuan ass into one of their seats, they can only sell X-1 tickets. If there's another behemoth on board that drops to X-2, and so on. Essentially, they're asking the airlines to give away seats for free, and that's not a terribly effective business model.
Now, before you bash your meaty fist into the keyboard and spew invective laced with Ding Dongs as you waddle to the kitchen for a side of beef, be advised: I'm also a fat-ass. I'm 5-foot-7 and weigh 210 pounds. My pants have a 38-inch waist. And I fit into these seats just fine. So we're not talking about a problem for the 75% (or whatever it is) of Americans who're overweight. It doesn't even affect people like me who are (medically speaking) obese. We're talking about the very small segment of the population that has attained a spherical shape.
Frankly, all these people bitching about being discriminated against should stop to think about what they're doing to the poor soul sitting next to them, crammed between their sweaty hide and the shell of the plane (not that that's happened to me or anything). That person paid for his seat, and is only using half of it because your fat rolls have flowed over the armrest into his space. Frankly, I'd rather sit next to someone who snores and chews with his mouth open.
* "Snkkkt" is the typed approximation of a barely-contained laugh. Why am I laughing? Imagine some 500-pounder trying to take his double-wide seat and forgetting to move the armrest. That'll be a good start.
