July 23, 2002
After I wrote out my angst-ridden entry on work, the apartment and everything, I fell asleep pretty quickly. Apparently it was my subconscious's turn to work on things.
I was leaning against a tree, in a formation which was being bitched out by a Marine. Nothing in general, and to be frank it looked more like summer camp than the Parris Island scenes I saw in Full Metal Jacket, but it was boot camp enough I guess.
Anyway, something wasn't pinned onto my uniform correctly (even though a recruit probably wouldn't have anything to pin on his uniform) and I got chewed over it. But the drill instructor moved off as he was letting me have it. I continued to stand at attention, waiting to be allowed to move to fix it, and everyone else started filing into the building. I stood there thinking "they're not gonna trick me that easily," and waited. And waited. And waited some more.
I finally realized that, instead of being clever I'd fouled up again, and realized that this wasn't for me. I picked up my uniform hat and walked to the admin building to tell them I was leaving.
When I got there, everyone was dressed in Navy uniforms, specifically the all-black winter ones, and most of them were wearing midshipman rank insignia. The one officer started yelling at me for not having my hat on outdoors (required) and made me explain myself. I started: "Well, sir, it's one of those things that I don't do on purpose but wind up doing anyway, and it makes me a fuck-up." I'm still addressing the officer but I'm looking at one of the midshipmen, a cute brunette who I've never seen before in my life. "I came here hoping I could learn some self-discipline, but I don't think even this will help me overcome my--" "Your what?" the officer asked me. "My own... laziness." "You came up with that answer pretty quickly," he finished. I was still looking at the girl.
Then I woke up.
The thing that's bugging me is, why now? What's changed recently that wasn't there before? I'm guessing all the midshipmen at the end are because I don't like the way I left ROTC, but why was I at jarhead summer camp? And is all this happening becuase I'm lazy? Should I have a good job and an apartment now, but don't because I wasn't trying hard enough? And why was I focusing on the brunette (well, aside from the obvious -- if it was one of those dreams I wouldn't have reported it) when I was explaining why I'm such a fuck-up?
This must be inportant; I very rarely remember dreams. I just wish I knew the answers. Hell, right now I'd settle for knowing the questions.
